Belly full of vampire?
by TheOodInFood
Summary: One-shot. Edward has some shocking news for Bella on the morning after their wedding night. Wrote this while I was high on caffine. Could be inappropriate for sensitive readers, children, normal people, and people in general.


Belly full of vampire

Bella and Edward floated in the silence that surrounded them. They weren't actually floating, but it sure was silent in the little house on Isle Esme. Bella thought she might be dreaming since her dreams were very weird some times, but she dismissed that idea because this was too messed up for even her mind to make up.

"_What_ did you just say?" she articulated to her husband. Maybe she had misheard him, or maybe this was some kind of vampire-humor that she didn't get, just like she didn't get most kinds of humor. Usually, she pretended that she got the joke, but this time it would be too bad if it wasn't one.

"I'm pregnant, Bella," Edward whispered and looked down at his stomach.

When Bella woke up she was laying on the king sized bed. Thank god, she thought, that it was only a dream. But, when she sat up and rubbed her eyes she could see new furniture standing at the end of the bed. What was that? She squinted.

"Edward! Is that a crib? Is that a fucking crib!?" she yelled as loud as she could, since she didn't know where he was. He stuck out his head from the bathroom and looked around the room, as if to see if it was safe to come in. After judging that it was, safe, he walked in drying his hands with a white towel. Odd, Bella thought, since vampires didn't go to the bathroom and therefor had no reason to wash their hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to pick one out together?" he asked and tilted his head. About the same time that Edward threw the towel back into the bathroom did she realize that she hadn't gone to sleep, she had fainted. And that meant that she hadn't been dreaming…

"Why were you drying your hands just now?" she said with a worried tone in her voice and lifted one eyebrow. He threw himself on the bed next to her and placed his arms behind his head.

"They didn't smell very nice," he said, "Morning sickness, you know." He yawned and picked up a magazine that apparently was a catalogue containing strollers. Bella sat completely still with her eyes wide. In her head she prayed to a god she didn't believe in that this was a very advanced joke.

"But, how can you throw up? You don't eat," she said, moving only her mouth as she spoke. Edward took a deep breath before speaking.

"Well, this is a very complicated situation, Bella. Vampires and humans don't usually have sexual intercourse with two surviving parties, but I guess that when they do they could in theory make a baby." Bella turned around and stared at him. "And, it's universally known that when two people have sex the stronger of the two is the one who gets pregnant. Most people just don't think about it because in the human species it is always the woman who is stronger." He shrugged and adjusted his position so he would lie more comfortably. He closed his eyes. "I'm obviously the stronger out of the two of us," he said before he fell asleep. Bella would not sleep for the next couple of days.

Edward woke up hungry, hungrier than he had been in many years.

"Sweet wife, will you make me some caramel pancakes?" he let roll off his tongue while he wiggled his eyebrows.

"No, I won't, because you don't fucKING EAT PANCAKES, EDWARD!" she answered, red-faced and hyperventilating.

"That wasn't very nice," Edward said and started crying. "This is all your fault." He turned away from her to hide the tears. Bella sighed and sat down next to him on the bed.

"What's going on? I don't understand," she sighed and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm pregnant, Bella! What is it you don't understand about that!" he stuttered between the tears.

"Well, you're acting all… human! It's freaking me out!"

"In what world is that weird? I have a half human inside of me who needs sleep and food and has feelings, Bella! Why don't you love me and Svante enough to understand this?" Edward flapped his hands around. What have I done, thought Bella, what have I done, marrying this crazy person? I should have listened to everyone saying that you shouldn't marry young!

"There, there… Wait, Svante!?" she exclaimed.

"Yes, Svante! I think I have the right to name him or her since you obviously won't stick around anyways," he said and stuck his chin out. Before Bella could think of something to say to help this messed up situation, Edward started having pains in his stomach, which Bella hadn't noticed had grown ten times its normal size.

"The baby is coming!" he shouted.

"No! No, no, no, no, no! We only just had sex last night!"

"Why won't you be more supportive? I'm in labor!" A scream followed that echoed in the house for a couple of seconds. It was from Bella, not from Edward. Edward was surprised since Bella usually didn't show any feelings at all, but right now he could see that she was upset.

"What the fuck, Edward, how will you give birth to a baby? You don't have a vagina!" The thought hadn't crossed Edward's mind until then, but he didn't have time to think about it because in a matter of seconds he had pooped out a beautiful baby girl. Both her mother and her father fell in love with her instantly.

"Let's marry her too! A three way marriage!" Bella proposed as soon as she saw how much the baby looked like her father.

"I accept. You, me, and Svante," He paused for a family group hug. "We will live happily ever after."


End file.
